This week, we were in a bit of a tough position. Our public relations expert left for the CIA (they took another one!). After dozens of interviews, we finally found the right man for the job. He wasn’t able to tell us much about his history (which was actually a plus in this field). Here’s a transcript of the interview:
Me: So… Boris, tell me more about yourself.
Boris: Well, I’m from Pakistan. I’m not married and don’t have close ties to anyone, which means less baggage. I spent my whole life dreaming about becoming a secret agent, but I found my true calling in business school. I spin things, and I can make you look great. They actually called me “Bongo” at my last job because I played the media like a drum. Jeopardized international sovereignty? Forget damage control, I’ll make us look like the heroes – every time. And then congress can’t touch our funding, which means everyone wins. Am I right?
Me: Well, you certainly do sound confident. So, you mentioned a previous job. Can you tell me more about this job?
Boris: Yeah, I used to work for BP – you know, that British Petroleum company? Well, let’s just say it was potentially a PR disaster in the making before I got there. After I got there, sales went back up, people forgot about the oil spill, and company morale went way up. That means more people had access to our affordable, outcome oriented, bleeding-edge technologies than ever before. That’s what I do, I make the world a better place.
Me: That is… * cough * bull… * cough * … I mean your skills are impressive. These are exactly the skills we look for in candidates for this particular type of role. So, what would you say is your motto?
Boris: Well, considering my expertise, my motto is : “Spin Everything.” If there’s anything I learned in business school, it’s that there’s nothing you can’t spin. And if it seems like there’s no hope, misdirect until you can find something to spin.
Me: Um… alrighty then, moving on. So let’s say one of our agents gets caught undercover, and it threatens national security. Give me an example of a statement at the press conference.
Boris: Blame Trump.
Me: You’re hired.
Well, there you have it. Clearly, agent Bongo is going to have a promising and fulfilling career here at the agency. I’m just glad I don’t have to do any more interviews with these people. One more utterance of the word “Leverage” and I would have puked.