The Love That Was Not To Be


I remember the day like it was yesterday. It was another time, a better time by many measures. But I know I made the right choice to leave it all behind. Most people don’t know what agents like me have given up to be a part of something greater than ourselves. To participate in the larger mission, you have to lose your entire identity on a regular basis.

I had a life before I decided to begin my training. I had a wife, kids, and a cushy job. But something was missing. I wanted to make the world a better place, but all I was doing was running numbers for a soulless corporation. I was saving people a lot of money, but I knew it wasn’t being used to do anything that I valued.

This was the last day that I enjoyed with Jane before I left. I knew I couldn’t tell her anything, but I wanted one last memory to take with me forever – one last piece of my identity that I could never lose. We went on a picnic near the pond, and everything seemed perfect. I remember Jane’s smile, her laugh, the way her eyes sparkled, and the comfort of her voice. It was the calm before the storm.

Every day I think about how my choices must have impacted my wife and kids. I know it was a selfish choice, but I truly believe I’m making a bigger difference now than I ever could have in my past life. I hope that one day I can meet her again and explain everything to them, and that they would understand – but I know that’s not likely. I’m just glad I have a memory that anchors me and reminds me that I’m still human.

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